Sometimes it isn’t a funny trait anymore

I found that at some point or another everyone says they have OCD, whether it be about how their books are placed on their shelves, how their hair looks in the morning or even making sure that the frames on their walls are perfectly straight. But in my experience, OCD is far more consuming than just double checking things look right.

You check, then double check, then triple check, then quadruple check, then realise it’s 6 in the evening and you haven’t moved for 3 hours.

My dad suffers with OCD and growing up I was around that very controlling, obsessive way of being and it latched onto my subconscious like most of our parents habits do and as a result now I’m fairly controlling and obsessive. (I know shocker…someone with anxiety who can be controlling.)

My OCD definitely isn’t the worst that I’ve read up on, but it’s definitely enough to frustrate me regularly and get in the way of me doing certain things.

For example, I had a shower the other day. Naked of course, and I was looking at the shampoo bottles and where they were placed on the side of our bath.

“They just don’t look right there.” 

“But they’ve been that way for a while, it’s fine.” 

“But what if someone comes round and thinks “why has she placed her shower gel and shampoo bottles in the centre rather than the corner? I’ll move them.” 

“No don’t do that. You’re literally starkers with shampoo in your hair…just leave it.” 

“But now I’m thinking about this too much. I’ll move them and then I’ll just stop thinking about it.” 

*moves bottles* 

“There. Much better…no wait. Now what if Adam comes in and thinks “what has she done that for and moved them? They were fine” 

“He won’t even notice…now hurry up and finish washing your hair otherwise you’ll be late for work!” 

That thought process literally lasted the entirety of my shower. I moved the bottles back and forth about 2 or 3 times, staring them out each time I moved them. It’s like an itch you just cannot scratch no matter what you do, no matter where you move those damn shampoo bottles!

It’s not that I necessarily think something really bad will happen if I don’t scratch these itches, it’s more that I just want the thought to stop circulating in my mind, and doing whatever I can think to to make that stop. More than anything else, it is really frustrating! It’s just unhelpful nonsense!

But it’s so ingrained in me it’s hard to shake it off. The glasses in our cupboards have to be upside down and if one isn’t, literally every part of my body is screaming to put it the right way up. It just looks wrong. 

My desk at work has to be symmetrical, and my car has to be spotless otherwise I can’t focus when I’m driving. When there are too many boxes lying around near me at work (I work in Reception at a University so we get lots of deliveries) I have to sort them out otherwise my mind feels cluttered and I can’t focus.

Maybe it actually isn’t frustrating for people around me? They get their stuff tidied up pretty quickly without lifting a finger!

But it does get really really hard sometimes, and sometimes it isn’t a funny trait anymore.

I start thinking why can’t I just have a shower and not worry where the bottles are? Why can’t I put the glasses in the cupboard in any random order?

Then I start thinking over and over and over about why I’m thinking about it so much, and then I feel secluded and really down.

As always, my fiance is the voice of reason, and he will calmly ask me why I think things should be that way? And then we talk it out, then afterwards it doesn’t seem so important anymore.

Be patient if you know someone with OCD. It’s so consuming for them, sometimes they may be okay to laugh about it, but sometimes they may have spent hours that morning staring out a bottle of shower gel so they may need some help working things out.

The best thing I’ve ever seen on OCD was a poem written and performed by Neil Hilborn…check out the link:

It’s amazing.

Now I’m off to have a shower…




5 Things I’ve learnt that might help you…(Maybe)

I read an article this morning, whilst I was waking myself up ready for the joys that this sunny Wednesday would hold, and I found it a bit frustrating to read.

It was titled “25 things that every woman should know by the age of 25” and I thought it may be interesting to read to get other people’s ideas on how to wade through the troubles of your mid 20’s.

It turns out this article just really focused hard on telling people to “get over it” a lot – such as “Some girls have it all. Get over it.”

Okay cool, I get that sometimes we need that kick up the arse, and someone to shake us wildly and say “get a grip!” I’m all in favour of that, but I also think sometimes, when you’re in a position to write, potentially, a good positive article for 20 something women to read, don’t be so brutal. Give some, perhaps, more constructive advice, and not just “get your foundation matched”.

But if this article works for some people, awesome! Crack on! It’s just for me personally, it didn’t resonate and it gave me the idea to just write a couple of things that perhaps I’d like to read in an article like this, so here it is…5 things that I’ve learnt and might help you…(maybe?)

1. Make-Up(?)

Here’s a fun fact – I didn’t start wearing make up until I was 16 and the worry and concern about how it looks on my little pale face still sits in my mind today.

Is my eyeliner running? Is my foundation rubbed in properly? Is every single individual eye lash separated perfectly?

hate that I do worry about this stuff as well, it causes so much annoyance in the mornings, to the point where I can literally see the sweat on my forehead and upper-lip appearing because I’m so hot and bothered about it. So here’s my tip about make-up…

Chances are, no one will even notice it.

If one eye lash is sticking out slightly more than the others, I guarantee you ask someone about it and they’ll say “I didn’t even notice until you said something”.

Just wear stuff on your face that makes you feel comfortable. If you feel great spending an hour in the morning putting on lots of different make up, awesome! If you don’t wear any make up at all that’s great as well. Just do this stuff for you and nobody else.

(I’m still working on this.)

2. Try not to spend too long looking at other people’s lives on social media.

It’s so easy to do. The problem with technology now is how quick it is, we can literally see the entire back log of that friend we went to school with 10 years ago in about 20 seconds. Who they’ve gone out with, where they went to Uni, where they live, how many adorable pugs they have…and before you know it you’re looking at a photo of their bedroom thinking “why don’t my bed covers match my curtains like that?!”

It’s toxic.

I love social media. I’m on it pretty much all the time because I am 100% a product of my generation and I am totally dependent and addicted to my phone. HOWEVER, I absolutely always make time, even if it’s a couple of minutes a day, to try to ground myself and remember what I have around me. I have a nice home, a lovely fiance, and the BEST cat in the world (decide amongst yourselves which one you think is at the forefront of my mind 24/7).

It’s so hard to not get sucked into social media, and think why is my life not like theirs, but just try every day to bring yourself back into the now and remember what you have around you to be happy about. Sometimes I even just think how happy I am to have a PS4 in my living room. (I’m a gamer through and through)

3. Them weird relationship things…

In the blog I read this morning there was a whole section on “sometimes guys just don’t fancy you. Accept it.” and I really didn’t like how it was worded.

Yes. This is true and sometimes the guy/girl you are crazy about just doesn’t see you in the same way, and it’s making you feel shit all the time. But rather than just washing your hands of it and thinking “okay onto the next” why not spend some time focusing on yourself? Build up your confidence a bit more so you’re not relying on a male/female to give you that confidence in yourself in the first place?

Be okay with you and comfortable being on your own for a little while!

(This is also something I’m still working on. REALLY working on.)

4. All work and no play makes 20 somethings MISERABLE.

A lot of people say to me when I say I’m tired “your 20’s are made for working mad hours because you have the energy to do it!”

I don’t necessarily disagree with that as I wake up at 5.30 Monday-Friday and then still have a bit of energy left in the evenings to iron my clothes for the next day, feed my cat, get myself some dinner, make my lunch for the next day and then read a book before bed. However, I do think we should also be understanding of 20 somethings who say they are tired.

There’s a bit of an expectation that we young adults fresh out of uni will just work whatever hours we are given because we are desperate for the money and experience, which probably is fair enough to believe, but give us a break! Don’t take advantage of our focused young minds!

If you’re tired from working too much, book a day of leave and give yourself a long weekend!

It’s crazy the difference it makes to have a Friday, Saturday + Sunday off together, or if you’re not in a normal Monday-Friday office job, find your next day or two off consecutively and then book a day of leave alongside that.

Make a plan to have a couple of days without any plans!

5. Enjoy yourself.

You’re not in Uni handing in assignments anymore, your awkward teenage years are far behind you and PE lessons are a thing of the past!

Now is the time to really focus on yourself and your own mental and personal development. You can reflect on the things that have stuck with you since you were younger and work out how to move on from them.

Be bold and fearless when you face the stuff that really scares you, and remember you are strong enough to do it. You’re strong enough to do anything you set your mind to!

It’s not going to be easy, but just be kind to yourself and give yourself breathing time if you need it.

And remember to be thankful every day you aren’t being forced to play netball outside in the freezing cold every week anymore…




Post Valentines Day Blog


In this blog I wanted to primarily write about my amazing fiancé but also write about how silly I find valentines day to be.

I realise Valentines day was a few weeks ago now, but sometimes you find yourself busy and that blog you’re desperate to write takes a back seat for a while [sorry blog].

Adam and I didn’t do anything for Valentines Day this year, much the same as every other year because we both feel it to be a bit of a pointless day and it’s primary cause is to make companies some money. Adam and I also agree that you should cherish your nearest and dearest every day of the year anyway, and there shouldn’t just be one day you set aside to say “I love you”.

One thing I usually say to Adam, each day is “Happy (insert relevant day here)! I love you!” because every morning I wake up and I can see him there snoring with his arms laying next to him and his tattoos on show, and it makes me love him even more, if that was at all possible.

I’m not one to be soppy and write how much I love that dude all over facebook, if anything the most I do is send him guitar memes [he is obsessed.] but I wanted to just write down how much I love him, even if it’s just once in a blog.

Throughout the past few years I have been depressed and suffered with regular anxiety attacks, and throughout all that Adam has held my hand and stayed there with me. When we first met he had just started University, and he could quite easily have said to me he wanted to just enjoy himself not deal with a depressed girlfriend who didn’t always treat him as well as she should have.

I did some horrible things that I’m not proud of and despite the fact I wasn’t very well mentally, I know that isn’t necessarily an excuse to treat someone badly, but through all that he still stuck by me. He showed me this unconditional, beautiful love I had never experienced before. He showed me so much kindness when all I had received from previous boyfriends was aggression and cruelty.

Adam is without a doubt the most wonderful, genuine and caring human being I have ever met. He is one of the sole reasons I get out of bed every day, and he keeps me going when I tell myself I can’t possibly go out into the world today.

I guess what I’m trying to say in this blog is valentines day is totally irrelevant. If you have someone helping you through each day, whether it’s a friend, a family member or a boyfriend/girlfriend tell them they have helped you.

Tell them that without them things would be a bit harder.

Tell them that sometimes they are the only reason you got out of bed.

And if nothing else, tell them you love them.

You may find that you doing that could actually be the reason they get up that morning and face the day despite what inner battle their mind is going through.

A valentines card won’t cut it sometimes if you aren’t making the most of your loved ones as much as you can in the here and now.



“Even I think you’re pretty great and I hate everyone!”

The past few days have been so tough and if you read my previous blog you’ll know why. If you haven’t read my other post then welcome to my blog reader…

On Sunday I couldn’t get myself off the sofa, and my long suffering fiance had to physically hold a glass of water for me to drink out of and take my anxiety tablets for the day ahead.

Come Monday when my best friend visited me I was still staring off into space going over thoughts in my head again and again.

Why did you trip up? Why did you get taken to A&E? 

Then I started thinking of things that have happened to me years ago that I haven’t even considered for a long time?

Remember that time you were 16 and got drunk for the first time? Remember they had to carry you out? Remember everyone said “look at the state of it” and “what a slut!”. You weren’t even a person…you were an “it”.

Remember when you first got to Brighton when you were 18 and went out all the time with people who didn’t really care about you? That’s probably what will happen again now that everyone has seen what your mind can do to you.

“The cats out the bag”. Everyone knows.

All those people you have become close to at work now see what you’re really like. They’ll freak out and walk away when you need them because who can blame them? No one wants to be dealing with that.

Just going over it and over it and over it, again and again and again.

Then today when I thought I can’t do this again, I can’t feel like this again, I had a break through. A real light bulb moment…

They hadn’t gone anywhere.

On Saturday I had text messages on my phone asking if I was okay, my fiance had people messaging him checking in, and my friend who was there with me at A&E on Friday had people asking her how I was.

People genuinely cared about how I was feeling.

Even after seeing me hyperventilate to the point of passing out, they still cared.

When I was 13 years old, a teenager dealing with the regular problems of who I am, who I fancied etc something big happened to my family, and I felt alone and lost. I didn’t have anyone to turn to talk about it. I was angry, so angry with everyone, but I didn’t direct it to them, I aimed it at myself in the form of self harming.

Then as I got older I felt a bit better, not self harming anymore, but still inside me, really deep was that anger, but if I ever felt that anger I’d turn it into sadness and anxiety and lock it away.

Then when I got to University and people started walking all over me I was angry again, but rather than be angry I’d be sad and again, I’d keep the anger hidden.

I’d hibernate away in my bedroom for days on end not speaking to anyone, because then I could be angry at myself for not going outside, rather than be angry at the people who made me feel that way.

Today someone said to me I need to be kinder to myself and I thought about it all day, and when I had my light bulb moment that no one had gone anywhere, I had another light bulb moment…

I’m horrible to myself because it’s the anger festering away inside me.

I never directed it to the right place, I just held onto it. And I’ve been holding it since I was a teenager and the mental place I put myself in when I feel embarrassed or sad is that anger and hate for everyone.

I’m 13 years old in my bedroom again crying over and over thinking “why am I so alone?”

But I’m not 13 years old anymore.

I’m 24, with a great job, loyal friends and the most patient, kind understanding fiance I could ever have by my side.

I have a kitten. (That’s not really relevant, I just really love my kitten)

I’m not expecting myself to have this lightbulb moment and suddenly have all my issues fade away because I know it doesn’t work like that, but this has been a huge step for me.

Having an anxiety attack and being shipped off to A&E at a Christmas Staff Party isn’t something I want to do again, nor do I recommend anyone doing it, but I do believe it’s perhaps a crucial moment in my emotional and personal development.

Without that happening perhaps I would still deep down be on edge that those I’d become close to would bolt out the door at any sign of my weakness’ and still have that anger eating away at me without acknowledging it.

I was texting one of my closest friends this afternoon telling her I felt down still, and she said “Even I think you’re pretty great and I hate everyone!” which is just about the best compliment someone could get…

And to every single person who has sent me their kind words and helped me through the past few days, from the absolute bottom of my heart…








“All that happened is you tripped”

This is probably one of the hardest blog posts I’ll write, partly because I have very little energy today so even typing is a challenge, but also because of what it’s about.

On Friday evening we had our work Christmas Party.

This was a big challenge for me to go to anyway, lots of people, lots of alcohol, people dressed up looking really beautiful etc. When I was getting myself ready before heading off, I was in the toilets at my work, hands shaking doing my make up.

The entire ritual of getting dressed and ready for a night out still makes my mind go a million miles an hour, for lots of reasons really. Nights out hold some really painful, embarrassing and traumatic memories for me, so bit by bit I’m trying to challenge myself and go to these kind of events and be okay from start to finish.

But I gave myself a bit of a mental chat, breathed in and out, grounded myself and was okay. Ready to give this a solid go.

And for a huge portion of the night, I surprised myself with how well I was doing. I drank some drinks, and was actively going up to people and initiating conversations. The last thing people would have thought about me was that I had an anxiety disorder.

Then unfortunately it all went a bit down hill. I don’t remember all of it, but a really good friend who helped me the whole evening told me yesterday exactly what happened.

I came back from the toilet and walked through people and tripped and fell over a bit, people just came up to me to help me up, but presumably because so many people surrounded me so quick, my mind went “That’s it. You’ve ruined it. You look ridiculous now and everyone thinks it” and before I knew what was happening I was hyperventilating my body getting tenser and tenser, and was being taken outside.

It’s all a complete blur from then onwards. I remember being put into the recovery position and looking along the street where I was lying and hardly believing it was happening. Then I was being put into an ambulance.

An ambulance. The loudest and brightest of any possible get away vehicle.

I had my friend with me whilst we were going to A&E, but all I could keep thinking was just leave me. Just drop me off and leave me alone. I just want this to stop. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, my body had completely shut down on me, and my mind was racing telling me all the things I dreaded to hear every time I went out on a night out.

Look at yourself. People will just think you were doing it for attention. You got taken away from a work party in an ambulance. You’re that girl. 

I got to A&E and was put into a room on a bed, and was having an anxiety attack the longest I’ve ever experienced one. Someone had called my fiance and told him to get to the hospital. And then when he walked in I felt even more shame than I had before.

How could you do this to him?

Eventually when my body had calmed down, we got a cab back to our flat. I had a bath, and got into bed.

But I couldn’t stop crying. I just wanted to disappear.

The next day I woke up and felt awful, but I had to get my car from where I’d left it the night before. So I got up, showered, put on make up [god knows why] and got myself on a train back to where I needed to go.

The train was rammed. People talking about their nights out, going to football, Christmas plans. And I felt myself get the shakes and sweat and I knew I had to make a dart to the toilet before I threw up in front of a train full of people. When you’ve just had a huge anxiety attack and been taken away in an ambulance, the last thing you ever want to do is be in a public place the next day and bring attention to yourself.

I think I’ve met my attention quota for a long time.

I got off the train and walked to my car. Going over things again and again in my head.

I went to see my friend who helped me the night before. I just cried a lot, and said to her how humiliated I felt, and that I was having really dark thoughts when I got home because I just wanted it to stop.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. The most frustrating thing is it’s not even that I have a complete lack of awareness as to why I have these thoughts and feelings. I know the root causes of all of them. Who it was that made me end up like this and what situations I’ve been in that have caused these reactions. I know all of that. And yet I still can’t get through one night.

And if I had just done it for one more hour. If I had just sat in a corner quietly, then gone home I’d have done it. I was so close.

I rang my best friend today to speak to him about it and as always he was wise and listened to me.

He said “all that happened Abby is that you tripped. That’s it. Good metaphor really, as you physically tripped, but you also tripped mentally. You had a slip up.”

I did have a slip up. I was smashing it, then I slipped up.

So now I need to work on processing that and not punishing myself for it and trying to see the positives from it. Right now that’s really hard, because I still feel those really negative emotions.

I’m still having dark thoughts today because I keep thinking how much easier it would be for those closest to me if they didn’t have to deal with this anymore.

I just need to pick myself up, dust myself off and try again.

After all…all I did was trip.




“Clever Girl”

I don’t want every blog post I write to be about bad days, I’d like it to be about good things too! But I’ve been going over this for the past couple of days, and I think it’d help to just type it out and share it, whether one person reads it or fifty people do, it’ll just help me process it a bit better once I’ve got it all typed out I think.

A couple of nights ago my lovely boyfriend and I had two amazing friends round for dinner and drinks.

It was such a good evening, just relaxed and calm. When we eventually got ourselves to bed I ended up having a serious anxiety attack, probably the worst I’ve had in a little while. My body went very stiff, and I just remember crying a lot and my boyfriend calmly telling me to remember my breathing and eventually I think I just conked out.

The day after I felt awful. A combination of a couple too many drinks, and my mind working over time and punishing myself for not being able to get through one evening, which was a complete pleasure from start to finish, without having a negative reaction at some point.

Even today I’m going over it and over it – “what happened in that one evening that caused a switch to flick in my head? What changed so drastically from one moment to the next?”

My boyfriend also said the following day, which came from such a good, caring place that next time he would perhaps not drink so as to make sure if I had a bit of a bad turn later on in the evening when it was just the two of us, he could have his head on completely and help me. This just made me feel even worse.

“You’re now spoiling his fun. He is having to put things on hold because your mind has these moments that effect you the way they do. You’re a liability.”

And that’s the thought that has been circulating my mind over the past few days, that I’m a liability. And of course logically I know that isn’t the case. I know that. But when your anxious mind is over powering the logical side of yourself, it’s impossible to listen to any reason.

I desperately want to be able to do these normal things, just have some drinks, have some dinner with people and be okay. Not react, not have my body stiffen up and have the walls feel like they’re closing in. I was talking to someone at work about it yesterday and found that my eyes were watering just saying the words “I feel like a liability”.

It became clear that this is something that is rooted quite deeply into me, that I haven’t quite addressed yet. So I guess in some ways it may be good that this happened, because now I’m a bit more aware of that feeling inside me. But then on the flip side of that, I think but WHY does it happen? It’s incredibly frustrating and sometimes it just becomes so consuming asking these questions over and over and over again in your own head.

I just want to be at the point where I can do something like have friends round, drink, eat dinner, go to bed and sleep. No thoughts, no second guessing, no doubting just simplicity.

So today I’m being about as simple as I could be – I’ve got up early, climbed onto the sofa with a duvet and I put Jurassic Park on and I’m fully preparing to watch the entire series today.


“Pizza and baked spuds?”

First of all, before I write this next blog post, I’d like to say a MASSIVE MASSIVE thank you to EVERYONE who has spoken to me about the blog post I put up a couple of days ago. I’m gob smacked at the amount of support I’ve had from people – some close friends, some people I haven’t spoken to in a long time and other people I’ve never even met! It’s such a wonderful feeling to see all these people genuinely understanding your dealings with mental health and waving their hands in the air and saying “I get it too!”. Awesome.

However, yesterday was quite hard. My feelings of worry have arisen again, perhaps due to the fact I was so over whelmed by the amount of support I had over the past couple of days. It’s actually quite daunting to receive that when you’ve been used to not only having some people ignore your worries in the past, but also ignoring the feelings yourself. So when I woke up yesterday I didn’t feel at ease and kept getting heart pains and tingling in my legs and arms [all these sensations sending messages to my brain alerting it that I’m going to keel over and have an anxiety attack at any given moment].

I think my main fear after thinking about it a little and trying not to succumb to the anxiety was that now all these wonderful messages had been sent, what was I going to do to mess that up? What false move would I make to stop those kind messages flowing in?

Then I convinced myself that people perhaps hadn’t read my blog properly, and had gone over it since their initial reading and decided “actually this girl is full of it. Half of this stuff is probably a lie anyway,”. You can see how this can spiral into something quite damaging in my own head?

Before I knew it I had kind of gone into myself again yesterday, not really wanting to chat to many people, just wanting to get through the day, get myself home and crawl into my bed and shut the world out for a bit. It’s my go to reaction I think when I’ve had a day of over-thinking and worrying about things. I just turn into my old teenage self.

That’s how I usually see it anyway. I see that there are two sides to my personality, completely split down the middle. One side is my adult self, someone who can quite easily walk into a shop and ask someone which aisle something is in without even thinking about it. The other side of my self however will look to the ground, have a quick browse down an aisle and if I can’t find what I’m looking for, quickly leave before anyone has even realised I was there. Yesterday I was the latter.

I actually read a really interesting article yesterday too, and it was “14 Psychologists Were Asked “What is The Most Profound Thing A Patient Has Ever Said To You?”. []

Some of them were hilariously funny, other’s were upsetting and some were just bang on the money, one of them in particular. One patient with an anxiety disorder said, “Imagine if every small decision felt like it had life or death consequences.” and upon reading this I nodded to myself in agreement. I experienced that feeling first hand yesterday in fact.

I was chatting to my boyfriend via Facebook messenger whilst on my lunch break at work, and he threw a question at me that I wasn’t prepared for.

“What would you like for dinner?” and before I could answer he had already asked me another question “What about pizza and a couple of baked spuds?”. My head went into over drive. Over such a trivial question.

I thought “well we’ve only got two big baking potatoes at home, that’s not enough for a couple of baked potatoes each?” Then I thought, “what if they don’t get cooked properly, then they’ll be all hard inside and won’t be very appetising?” Then I started punishing myself for being so ridiculous and not being able to answer such a mundane easy question.

I really feel sorry for my boyfriend, particularly on this occasion. All he wanted was “yes pizza and baked potatoes would be lovely!” but instead he got “I don’t know off the top of my head” which is just drivel in itself.

But that’s genuinely what it is like living with anxiety. Something that comes across as so simple will be magnified in my head and have me asking a million questions when there was only one question put out there in the first place.

When I was driving home last night I had a similar feeling I always get when I’m feeling like this, and it’s really hard to explain but I’ll have a whack at it anyway! I basically drive the same route every day to work, and then back again and when I’m feeling quite anxious and a bit out of sync it’s like the dual carriage way kind of just stretches out for miles and miles, and I feel like I’ve been driving for about 20 years. I’ll have my music going, and it’s just me in the car listening to some music, and I feel like that’s just my little world and whatever is going on outside of that isn’t really real. I’ll look at people in their cars and think what is happening in their little car world at the moment? And yesterday I saw in the car in front of me a woman in the passenger seat repeatedly leaning back to check her baby was okay, and then she took her seat belt off and leaned right back and looked like she was picking something up from the floor that perhaps her baby had dropped. And again I thought, that’s literally their world right now. Nothing going on outside of that really matters. But that’s exactly the feeling I want to stop feeling so much.

I want to look around and realise how vast and huge the world is, and that there is so many good things happening within it, even if there is lots of bad too. It’s just so easy to get sucked into your own head sometimes and think you’re the only car driving along the dual carriage way.

Me and my boyfriend had pizza and salad in the end, and it was really lovely. Thank you Co-Op.