“The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, and that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent.”
I’ve been in a really strange head space recently. Work is very quiet, the students are too busy stressing out about their exams to spend any time at Reception these days…ahhh remember being a student?
So as a result I have had perhaps a bit more time than normal to think about things, how I’m feeling and where I’m at in my own head and I realised that I’m not feeling amazing.
That’s okay of course, you don’t have to be singing and dancing 24/7 because then you wouldn’t be able to appreciate the really super times in life, but what do you do when you are having those dips?
Well part of me instinctively wants to just climb into bed and fester there for a few days and hope that that’ll fix everything…that works right?
Okay no it doesn’t work and to be fair it just isn’t a viable option…I have a cat to feed!
My self-esteem is quite low at the moment as I am paranoid about the weight I have put on recently and I’m very aware of the fact I feel like it’s showing on my face if you look at me from the side. Just bleurgghh!!
So because of that I then feel like any kind of make up I put on is just a bit of a waste of time and people will think “why bother?”. Of course I am sure that isn’t true, but when you get in that kind of thought process it’s sometimes tricky to break it right?
So I did what all sensible people do when they are feeling self conscious…I changed my hair colour.
*Now obviously I look as good as Beyoncé.
(*Disclaimer: I don’t look even remotely like Beyoncé.)
It’s been a change up, so now rather than looking at my fuller cheeks in the mirror I think “your hair is lighter than it was before. Nice!” and it’s been refreshing, and I’ve had some nice compliments on it too which was great!
Another old sensation that has cropped up again, and one that is quite closely linked with my anxiety and OCD, is feeling really claustrophobic constantly and I kind of find wherever I am sat whether it’s driving my car to work, or just sat at home, I feel like there’s too much stuff around me and I can’t focus properly. It’s really unpleasant. I could be in an empty room the size of a football pitch and still feel like I was stuck in a hoarder’s front room with no way out.
How do I fix this? The easy answer is…I have absolutely no idea.
This is part of my personality that I’ve had ever since I can remember. Just a real feeling of uncomfortable-ness and hyper-awareness of every object around me and the feeling that the clothes on my body are suffocating me…
And not being able sit in a comfortable position no matter what I try because however I sit I feel frustrated and suffocated!
I think it also links into my difficulty to process over-stimulation too – if something is moving too fast, or too bright or smells too strong or basically is too much of anything my brain literally ceases to function and I can start to feel really sick and unwell. Certain fabrics literally make my blood run cold!
(The fabric on the roof of a car…oh my god. If I catch my nail on that…literally even typing that made my whole body shudder.)
I think the key to all this is although I can’t necessarily totally remove it from my mind, I can use tools to soothe it. For example, grounding myself, sitting in an upright, but comfortable, position and taking deep breaths is a big help! Much like when you’re having an anxiety attack, regulating your breathing is so important and key to bringing you back into the present.
As for my weight, that’s just an on-going process to solve I think, making sure I exercise more is a big one!
So yes, I’m not feeling great at this moment in time, but like all good and bad things eventually it’ll come to an end and I’ll feel better again…I will however never ever ever ever WILLINGLY touch a car roof.