The past few days have been so tough and if you read my previous blog you’ll know why. If you haven’t read my other post then welcome to my blog reader…
On Sunday I couldn’t get myself off the sofa, and my long suffering fiance had to physically hold a glass of water for me to drink out of and take my anxiety tablets for the day ahead.
Come Monday when my best friend visited me I was still staring off into space going over thoughts in my head again and again.
Why did you trip up? Why did you get taken to A&E?
Then I started thinking of things that have happened to me years ago that I haven’t even considered for a long time?
Remember that time you were 16 and got drunk for the first time? Remember they had to carry you out? Remember everyone said “look at the state of it” and “what a slut!”. You weren’t even a person…you were an “it”.
Remember when you first got to Brighton when you were 18 and went out all the time with people who didn’t really care about you? That’s probably what will happen again now that everyone has seen what your mind can do to you.
“The cats out the bag”. Everyone knows.
All those people you have become close to at work now see what you’re really like. They’ll freak out and walk away when you need them because who can blame them? No one wants to be dealing with that.
Just going over it and over it and over it, again and again and again.
Then today when I thought I can’t do this again, I can’t feel like this again, I had a break through. A real light bulb moment…
They hadn’t gone anywhere.
On Saturday I had text messages on my phone asking if I was okay, my fiance had people messaging him checking in, and my friend who was there with me at A&E on Friday had people asking her how I was.
People genuinely cared about how I was feeling.
Even after seeing me hyperventilate to the point of passing out, they still cared.
When I was 13 years old, a teenager dealing with the regular problems of who I am, who I fancied etc something big happened to my family, and I felt alone and lost. I didn’t have anyone to turn to talk about it. I was angry, so angry with everyone, but I didn’t direct it to them, I aimed it at myself in the form of self harming.
Then as I got older I felt a bit better, not self harming anymore, but still inside me, really deep was that anger, but if I ever felt that anger I’d turn it into sadness and anxiety and lock it away.
Then when I got to University and people started walking all over me I was angry again, but rather than be angry I’d be sad and again, I’d keep the anger hidden.
I’d hibernate away in my bedroom for days on end not speaking to anyone, because then I could be angry at myself for not going outside, rather than be angry at the people who made me feel that way.
Today someone said to me I need to be kinder to myself and I thought about it all day, and when I had my light bulb moment that no one had gone anywhere, I had another light bulb moment…
I’m horrible to myself because it’s the anger festering away inside me.
I never directed it to the right place, I just held onto it. And I’ve been holding it since I was a teenager and the mental place I put myself in when I feel embarrassed or sad is that anger and hate for everyone.
I’m 13 years old in my bedroom again crying over and over thinking “why am I so alone?”
But I’m not 13 years old anymore.
I’m 24, with a great job, loyal friends and the most patient, kind understanding fiance I could ever have by my side.
I have a kitten. (That’s not really relevant, I just really love my kitten)
I’m not expecting myself to have this lightbulb moment and suddenly have all my issues fade away because I know it doesn’t work like that, but this has been a huge step for me.
Having an anxiety attack and being shipped off to A&E at a Christmas Staff Party isn’t something I want to do again, nor do I recommend anyone doing it, but I do believe it’s perhaps a crucial moment in my emotional and personal development.
Without that happening perhaps I would still deep down be on edge that those I’d become close to would bolt out the door at any sign of my weakness’ and still have that anger eating away at me without acknowledging it.
I was texting one of my closest friends this afternoon telling her I felt down still, and she said “Even I think you’re pretty great and I hate everyone!” which is just about the best compliment someone could get…
And to every single person who has sent me their kind words and helped me through the past few days, from the absolute bottom of my heart…