“Clever Girl”

I don’t want every blog post I write to be about bad days, I’d like it to be about good things too! But I’ve been going over this for the past couple of days, and I think it’d help to just type it out and share it, whether one person reads it or fifty people do, it’ll just help me process it a bit better once I’ve got it all typed out I think.

A couple of nights ago my lovely boyfriend and I had two amazing friends round for dinner and drinks.

It was such a good evening, just relaxed and calm. When we eventually got ourselves to bed I ended up having a serious anxiety attack, probably the worst I’ve had in a little while. My body went very stiff, and I just remember crying a lot and my boyfriend calmly telling me to remember my breathing and eventually I think I just conked out.

The day after I felt awful. A combination of a couple too many drinks, and my mind working over time and punishing myself for not being able to get through one evening, which was a complete pleasure from start to finish, without having a negative reaction at some point.

Even today I’m going over it and over it – “what happened in that one evening that caused a switch to flick in my head? What changed so drastically from one moment to the next?”

My boyfriend also said the following day, which came from such a good, caring place that next time he would perhaps not drink so as to make sure if I had a bit of a bad turn later on in the evening when it was just the two of us, he could have his head on completely and help me. This just made me feel even worse.

“You’re now spoiling his fun. He is having to put things on hold because your mind has these moments that effect you the way they do. You’re a liability.”

And that’s the thought that has been circulating my mind over the past few days, that I’m a liability. And of course logically I know that isn’t the case. I know that. But when your anxious mind is over powering the logical side of yourself, it’s impossible to listen to any reason.

I desperately want to be able to do these normal things, just have some drinks, have some dinner with people and be okay. Not react, not have my body stiffen up and have the walls feel like they’re closing in. I was talking to someone at work about it yesterday and found that my eyes were watering just saying the words “I feel like a liability”.

It became clear that this is something that is rooted quite deeply into me, that I haven’t quite addressed yet. So I guess in some ways it may be good that this happened, because now I’m a bit more aware of that feeling inside me. But then on the flip side of that, I think but WHY does it happen? It’s incredibly frustrating and sometimes it just becomes so consuming asking these questions over and over and over again in your own head.

I just want to be at the point where I can do something like have friends round, drink, eat dinner, go to bed and sleep. No thoughts, no second guessing, no doubting just simplicity.

So today I’m being about as simple as I could be – I’ve got up early, climbed onto the sofa with a duvet and I put Jurassic Park on and I’m fully preparing to watch the entire series today.

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